What is Grief to Me?

Grief to me is an open wound that keeps getting nudged, hit, or rubbed up against. It is not a deep gash or hole rather more like a severe brush burn, you know the type, where your skin is missing, it is bright red, and even air touching it hurts like hell.  Even if I think I have come close to closing this open wound, someone comes along in my life whether it is friend, family, or a complete stranger starts to pick at the scab, and it hurts like hell all over again.

What is Grief? Grief is a thief that has stolen my soul, left me in shambles, and never leaves my side.  Grief is a life force within me that tries to rule my existence, and has left a broken shattered resemblance of who I used to be.  So here I am by myself to try and figure out each and every day a reason to get out of bed.

That is how I feel every moment of every day!

There are some fundamental truths we all must face, and more than likely, the most prolific is that we are all going to die eventually. Death takes on many different forms, it can be unexpected and tragic, it can be slow and painful, it can come quickly, and for some, honestly it can’t come quick enough.  It has no rhyme, reason, or pattern; it preys on the weak, the strong, the good, the bad, the rich, the poor, the old, and the young equally.  Many of us will never see it coming, and then there are the ones that do.  But what we rarely see coming is the repercussion of what really happens when the one’s we love the most, go before us – Grief!

Left in the aftermath of death is “Us”. We are the significant others, the spouses, the parents, the children, the friends, and the loved ones left behind.  Left behind to deal with this thing called grief.  There is no road map, there is no right way, and certainly, no warning signs to tell us how it would really feel when it comes around.  We live in this new shadow called grief.  Even when there are moments of solace, laughter, and joy, it comes back with a vengeance to remind us that our lives have forever changed and it will always be by our side.

I have discovered through these experiences, that there is a reason we cannot predict the future. Now there may be a few fortune tellers out there that disagree with this statement, but for the average person, if we ever actually knew what was going to happen, I’m quite certain we’d never open our hearts to life and love and simply crawl under a rock.  It is quite possible that it may not be death that we are really afraid of, but the hurt and agony we unwillingly will leave behind.

There are so many contradicting articles about grief, the only thing I have learned is that everyone is speculating and no one has any definitive answers. There are many articles that state, one should be able to feel their pain, and there is no timetable.  Others feel the need to label the prolonged feelings, such as depression, complex grief or complicated grief, the latest buzz word and my favorite that explains I won’t let myself heal.  I do find myself starting to take offence to the articles that are written by someone who has never actually experienced real, true, agonizing, painstaking grief… to them I say, call the university and try to get your money back.

The biggest thing I have learned on this personal journey of mine is that people in general don’t like to hear or face the truth. So for all those out there that say find someone to talk to, find someone to confide in, lean on, find a friend, and surround yourself with loved ones;   I have to ask, where are they?  Where are these wonderful mystical and magical beings to share in my pain and help me heal?  I’m done looking, because they certainly aren’t in my life.

There are the two nightmares that haunt me every day. I have lost the love of my life, I have lost my soul mate, I have lost my everything; and no one else that is left in my world wants to hear about it!  They have all returned to their normal daily routines forgetting I have nothing to get back to.

But I know that you are there… I have met you in another blog, an article posting, or a comment to someone else’s.  So I know that you are real, your pain is real, I know you feel the same, I know you get it, and I know for sure you are aimlessly searching for the same thing I am, but finding little answers.  So let’s figure it out together.

What is Grief to me? Grief to me is an open wound that keeps getting nudged, hit, or rubbed up against.  It is not a deep gash or hole rather more like a severe brush burn, you know the type, where your skin is missing, it is bright red, and even air touching it hurts like hell. 

That is how I feel every moment of every day! How is your day going?

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